You teach them how to treat you

I want you to remember that you hold the power when it comes to how you’re treated.

Now I always use to complain over how men treated me, “why do they treat me like I am an object” “why doesn’t he change when I give him a second chance” “why does he say one thing and do another”

The answer, you teach them. You teach them what is acceptable, what standards you have, and what you deserve.

I'll explain.

I’m going to take a situation that has happened to me a lot and others I know too.

You and your partner have had a fight over something they have done.

You’re clearly really upset, but they don’t seem to care as much as you want.

They play it off like it’s not a big deal, they might even start the blame game, but at the end of it, they say all the right things.

They say “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking, I do really love you”

You kiss, make up, have sex, and the next day you’re back to normal.

However, a couple of weeks later their behavior goes back to how it was.

Or an alternative scenario, they literally play off your feelings, and because you don’t feel worthy, you then just swallow your feelings and act like it's fine.

The reason being, you’d rather that, than feeling like you're not worthy of love or affection.

Your partner will never learn, and Why? They said sorry, they said they made a mistake? Why are they doing it again?

Because you taught them that apologizing and “making it up to you” only takes a “sorry” and some affection. Or that they literally don’t even have to do that, because if they play the cold game long enough, you will come crawling back.

Especially in a relationship where your partner isn’t very affectionate, you'll obviously take that bit of affection and just forgive right.. I was the same.

However, all it taught those boys was that they didn’t actually need to apologize and have their actions match their words, because they knew they just needed to say sorry and cuddle me for me to forgive.

They knew also that I was so attached that I would never leave, which made their behavior towards me even worse because they didn't see me as something special.

I am sharing my personal experiences here in the hope you can relate, I want you to see that there is another way.

When it comes to arguments, the best apology is changed behavior, and apologies without it - are just sugar coated manipulation.

You actually have to decide a few things here.

1. What do I value? And does this person's behavior match my values, or am I compromising my values because I don’t want to lose them?

2. Is this the kind of love you want? One where your partner isn’t affected by how they have made you feel?

3. Are you ready to compromise what you’re worth for a relationship that doesn’t put you in the same as you?

I think these are some simple questions that promote reflection quite quickly.

Another example is in the beginning phase of the relationship.

You teach them the standard you will accept, what behavior is okay, and what is not okay.

He only hits you up when he is free, he doesn’t free up his time to see you - is that okay?

He is very sexually driven all the time and if you were to make him wait he probably wouldn’t be as interested - would that be okay?

He never plans a date or makes an effort to do something nice, it's always just “netflix and chill” - is that the kind of person you want?

He never asks you about you, or tries to get to know you - is that the kind of partner you want?

Every decision you make, everything you allow which DOESN’T match what you actually want violates and lowers your personal vibration and breaks your boundaries.

And what does a low vibration attract? Low vibrational people, experiences and outcomes…

At the end of the day they get use to not having to do alot to get what they want, which is effort, sex and affection.

I have only recently started working through this.

I began to read some books which helped. First one being “open wide by Melissa Ambrosini '' and “Higher Love by Jordanna Levin '' these books talk a lot about what you want and how to attract it, and also about healthy relationships.

Once I took sex out of the picture I also stopped attracting alot of players and “fuck boys” because if they knew straight up I wasn’t an easy target or object that would give them what they wanted with no effort - they didn’t bother… and its great.

I also began reflecting on what I wanted when it came to connection and relationships, and what my core values are.

With this information, I began strengthening my intuition, and actually listened to her when I met someone.

She is that inner voice being like “nope your personal vibration is off - red flag”

Now when it comes to dating I am so in tune with my personal vibration and core values. I can appreciate incredible things with someone but have a feeling that something is missing, and I appreciate them for what we’ve had and continue. Because everyone serves a purpose to me.

When it comes to dating now, I don’t invite people back over to mine immediately, because it’s my intimate and personal space which they aren’t worthy of accessing yet.

It's why If someone wants to get to know me then I say to them “where would you like to go”

If they reply with “we could watch movies at yours:” I literally don’t reply or I say “sorry I dont invite people back at my house, nor do I want a first date there”

Am I being picky? No. I deserve it. I deserve someone who wants to take me out or adventure with me.

You have to remember in a world with a population of 7 billion people, you will meet people who stay for a while, some people who don’t stay at all, some people who like you but don’t see a future with you and you will find people who can’t get enough of you.

You need to stop wanting everyone you meet, to be “the one” because what you’re doing is accepting less than you deserve, compromising your core values, and overly romanticizing a half-assed love in order to have a “love”

So sit down and ask yourself "what do I want in a partner, how do I want to feel and what do I value?"

Get clear on that, and then say no to everything that's not it.