Why I ditched the diet and my journey to intuitive eating

⊗ Stop, this is a trigger warning as this post touches on the subject of eating disorders ⊗

Growing up my family ate a very balanced diet. Mum and Dad both cooked really delicious food, which varied from chicken and veggies to lasagne or beef stew. Mum had a famous apple crumble and no one in the house would say no to vanilla ice cream and ice magic sauce.

I always ate very healthily, even at our birthday parties I had veggie sticks, homemade sausage sandwiches, fruit salads etc - no soft drink, just juice. I ate and had a great relationship with food.

However, when I was 14 after something happened to me, I completely changed the way I viewed my body. I no longer just saw my body and see ME, I saw an array of flaws from a big belly, love handles, big thighs, armpit fat, no waist, crooked teeth, pale skin, small boobs, no bum…. The list could literally go on and on.

And the sad thing was, looking back now, I was perfect. I was just a 14-year-old girl, who had been made to believe that I wasn’t enough.

During school at this time, I began to get very jealous of my friends, whose bodies in my eyes were tiny and perfect, all with flat stomachs and boobs coming in. At 15 I noticed boys beginning to take more notice of us at school, and the gossiping, rumours and bitching behind backs really took an all-time high.

I began the quest to ‘losing 10kg’ at 15 because I seriously believed I was fat. Isn’t that fucking twisted.

Diet’s I completed within the years of 15-17

• Low carb

• No refined sugar

• Fat-free

• Intermittent fasting

• Only eating breakfast and Dinner

• No fruit (WTF?!?!?!)

• Only eating until 4 pm

• Keto

• Only eating 1000 calories

During this time, I didn’t stick to 1 for more than a week.

The cycle was like this:

I would “begin” on Monday, be super strict, begin to feel tired, I would then get emotional and usually very hungry, be so sad about how I look, turn to food for emotional comfort, binge eat, be disappointed that I ‘broke’ my diet, get even more emotional, try to vomit, wake up the next day and RESTRICT, tell myself “I will start again on Monday”

This would then happen for a few weeks, then I would discover a new diet promoted usually by my favourite Instagram accounts, or ones I found inside the magazines my mum would read.

To add to this vicious and gruelling cycle, every google search would be “easy ways to lose fat fast” or “fat-burning workouts” or “tips to burn fat fast”.

Hating how I looked was a fulltime job.

And it was addictive.

At the end of year 10, boys from my school decided it would be hilarious to sign me up to weight watchers and Jenny Craig as a “prank”. Little did they know, their funny little joke, which gave them something to laugh about for all of 10 minutes a day, pushed me to the point that I cried myself to sleep for nights, wondering why I wasn’t enough. And it was the first time I had ever thought “ I don't want to be here anymore”

This then leads to really bad binge eating and my obsession with the fucking waist trainer. I remember the ad on Kim Kardashian's story of her in her waist trainer, saying it helped her keep a tiny figure and lose weight. I didn't know any better, so I used my pay for a whole week's work, to buy a waist trainer. In fact, after a few months, I had multiple.

I ended up getting all these stomach pains and problems pooping because it was actually bruising my internal organs.

Then I remember being 16 and being so so judgemental about myself because now I had my first proper boyfriend and he was this big muscular boy who was PERFECT in my eyes. I never felt enough for him, always felt like he could do better and have someone “hotter” and this feeling which constantly lerked, pushed me to the point I nearly considered taking clenbuterol which for those who don’t know, is a steroid used for horses to rapidly strip fat.

16. I was fucking 16 years old. And I nearly injected steroids to get skinny… FFS ruby.

And looking back at it, the comments he often made about how I looked and how I “wasn’t his type” hurt me, more than I ever led on.

At 17 I had a new boyfriend, and once again, he was lean, muscular and very FIT with a 12 pack sent from the gods…

I FELT HIDEOUS. Always felt fat and disgusting next to him. And once again I assumed he could do so much better, and after a relationship breakdown which involved another female, I was done.

I couldn’t do it and it led me to a very low point. I knew something needed to change.

I then read the book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson and well, by this point I realised I no longer wanted to do it, no more dieting, no more hating myself. I was over it. I was sick of GIVING A FUCK.

And that's when it turned around.

No, it didn’t happen overnight, in fact, it took 8 months before I even noticed a difference. I am open about the time it took to achieve this and saw results - because I don’t want you to get disheartened and give up.

Good things take time.

When I began intuitive eating, it was actually at the 8-month mark, up until then I still tracked calories, because the fear of being fat or getting fatter didn't just leave overnight.

I started by learning about food and what it does to the body from many different qualified sources.

Then I began doing flexible eating within my calorie limit, so eating really nutrient-dense 80% of the day, and then having an ice cream or chocolate which fit into my calories

Now I am not a fan of calorie counting as a “lifestyle” it’s not for me. It’s time-consuming and sometimes really mentally challenging when you’re really craving something at the end of the day, only to open an app that tells you you’ll be “over” your calories if you eat it.

However, I will say this. Calorie counting did teach me a lot about what foods hold what macronutrients and portion sizes. To me, a portion of shapes was 2 handfuls, but no, it's like 30g.

I then began using calorie counting only during phases in my training to help me “peak”, ensuring I was eating enough protein, carbs and fats.

Right now, my relationship with food is REALLY good, and how I know that, is food has no emotional value to me. I eat because I am hungry and to nourish my body, or because I have a craving for something. There is no more guilt that comes with eating… and I no longer turn to food for control.

So here are some things to remember, and things that helped me.

1. Remove EVERYONE on Instagram/socials who promote yoyo dieting culture, or skinny me teas, fat burning gummies or fat burning tools like “waist trainers” etc.

2. Replace these people with people who provide education on food and having healthy relationships with food, I’ll list some of my favourites below.

3. Write down a list of fear foods (if you have any), or things you fear regarding food, and slowly begin incorporating them SLOWLY, then providing yourself with positive affirmations and reassurance. (Eg. I feared eating out because I couldn’t track, so slowly I began going out to eat and not having my phone and telling myself “this meal won’t ruin your progress”)

4. Read the book “The Goddess Revolution by Mel Wells”, this book changed my WHOLE mindset.

5. Delete all fitness tracking food apps, and remove the scales from your bathroom.

6. Give yourself grace on the days where you may slip back into old patterns, you’re evolving and this won’t be easy or straight forward.

7. Move your body by doing things you love and enjoy rather than forcing yourself.

Favourite IG accounts

• Eaton_balanced

• Kalemekourtnutrition

• Nude_nutritionist

• Melissa Wells

• Lucymountain

• Andreahardyrd

I just want you to remember that you’re enough. And you always have been. You’re not a failure, your body isn’t wrong, society is damaged and we hold a false ideal. Diet culture failed you.