What is Trauma bonding, and Why nice guys seem boring!

I have a friend (actually multiple) who will meet a really nice male and after hanging out, will say “he was too nice, it gave me the ick”

The ick being (uncomfortable vibes with a hint of disgust).

I myself, have been in this position where I have hung out with someone and they are just so nice and I genuinely go home and think “there was no spark or chemistry”

But that's not the case at all, it's actually because no trauma bond was present.

A Trauma bond is where a relationship, or attachment is created based on a cycle of repeated emotional or physical abuse. It is often seen as a cycle where there is abuse, then followed by love and reward, only to go back to abuse.

In relationships it can look something like, you fight often and the relationship is 60% fights, arguments, or drama and 40% of it is amazing filled with “love and happiness”.

The relationship is quite hot and cold.

You know the relationship isn’t healthy yet you stay because you believe they are the only ones to fulfill your needs, and you fear them leaving.

The relationships moved quite quickly, you give up a lot for them and you make big life changes for them relatively early on in the relationship.

Trauma bonding can also feel like you’re really close to them even though you’ve just met them, you invest more time into your partner at the expense of other friendships or family relationships and also disclose very personal information early on.

The relationship is filled with inconsistency. The relationship is filled with drama, attachment, codependency, and manipulation.

Now you might have read the above and been life “holy fuck I do that” and I want to iterate that just because some of these may be present it doesn’t mean you are in a trauma bond. However, if you believe you potentially could be in a trauma bond relationship, please seek professional help and support from trusted family and friends.

Trauma bonds occur based on early relationships with our caregivers or “first loves”.

If our early relationships were very hot and cold with our parents ect, or our first boyfriend was quite controlling or “hot and cold” this builds your nervous system to know what's normal and what's not.

This is why you actually might feel safe or loved in these relationships.

For example, your dad was always away for work. He would be there for 2 weeks then fly out for 3, when he was home he love-bombed you, and then when he was away you barely heard from him.

You as a child might have felt abandoned, lacked the emotional and physical reassurance and love you needed, not only creating inner child wounds but also creating a nervous system familiarity when it comes to future partners.

Because now your boyfriend is very hot and cold, maybe not in the same way as your dad, however, his love and attention are just as inconsistent.

One minute you’re fighting and he is angry at you, blaming you for something, then not texting you and ignoring you, followed by “I am sorry you’re too good for me” and attached to that are empty promises that he will fix his problems and try harder because he “can’t live without you”

But guess what, he doesn’t change, and 2 weeks later another fight occurs, then you get love-bombed, and then apologies and empty promises are made.

This is a trauma bond. You’re bonding and creating attachments to someone based on your inner child's wounds and what your body and the nervous system know as familiar.

It’s why when you meet someone who is drama free, openly communicates, does what they say they will, has boundaries, and is consistent - you turn around and go “this is boring, there is no spark” and the reason for that, is that you don’t know what healthy relationships or attachment is, therefore there is no trauma bond.

So how do we heal this and step out of trauma bonding relationships?

This is where inner work comes in, to heal these inner child wounds and rewire your nervous system.

The first step for me was becoming aware and learning more about trauma bonding, why it happens, and then beginning to reflect in my life where I can see trauma bonds have been present or potentially still present.

Once you can become aware, this is where change can begin to take place. For me, it was ending a relationship and taking some me-time.

Once I then began to learn what trauma bonding is, I then was able to recognize really early warning signs of codependency, manipulation, and “hot and cold” tendencies when seeing people. This was when I would then utilize what I had learned and would step away from these people.

And I want you to know that this takes time.

What can you do right now?

Journal.

Journal about what your past and current relationships are like? Is it very hot and cold, has it got cycles of abuse and love, is it very co-dependent? When it's bad it's bad but when its good it's amazing? Do you fear them leaving?

Awareness is the first step.