How working on myself allowed me to improve my relationships

Before I began working on myself, and my relationship with me. I was a very different person in relationships.

Relationships beginning and ending had so much control and power over the way I felt.

Meeting someone wasn’t always an enjoyable thing, and I say this because it was nearly always forced from a place of loneliness.

Before I worked on my relationship with myself, I feared being alone. I needed a man to validate me, to make me feel special, worth, or valued.

I hated being ‘single’ because I saw it as me not being good enough.

I associated having a boyfriend, with being successful, having my life together, feeling complete etc. But that wasn’t the case at all. I believed these things because what I was actually looking for, was someone to “fix me”

During this period of time, I often always found myself on pointless dating apps like tinder, just to get validation through matches and super likes.

I acted like someone I wasn’t so that I could get the approval I felt so deeply, that I needed.

When I would meet someone, I didn’t just naturally let things flow. I would force them into a box. I would go above and beyond, and my thought process was “if I do all this for them, they will see I am special”

I would be over needy and try to get them to live up to this expectation that I had built up in my head. Even when these boys would treat me like shit, disrespect me, or just did things I didn’t like, I would accept it and just “ignore it” because I would rather be with someone than no one.

I was a beggar. Every moment of the day, I would be in communication with them, calling them, texting them or wanting to see them. I genuinely couldn’t spend time alone.

I needed that much reassurance that I would cancel plans I had just to free up time, in case they wanted to see me. Arghh this makes me sick even writing this.

Because now, now I don’t beg. I trust that who is meant to be in my life, will flow in naturally and will stay in my life with ease rather than me putting in 95% of the effort.

In my past relationships, I always found myself begging for them to treat me right. And what deep down triggers me at this point in time…. I was literally begging people to treat me with hUmaN DecEncy!?!?!? Like….. Nothing extraordinary but with just respect, care, love, and loyalty.

Over this journey to where I am now, so much has changed regarding the way I look at relationships.

Firstly I am so happy to be alone. I enjoy my own company and don’t feel the need to have someone with me.

I also don’t go on dating apps anymore. They literally are so stupid, I hate that I am saying “yes” or “No” to someone based on a photo, without knowing anything about them.

I’ve also become very aware of my intuition and noticing how I feel around people. And ask myself, What is my body trying to tell me?

A perfect example of this, I met someone who seemed to tick all the boxes in fact they even met my ‘extras’ section to this list of things I wanted in someone.. They seemed almost too good to be true. On paper they were perfect, but when I was with them, I just didn’t feel a spark, a connection, or really anything tbh.

When you meet someone, who is genuinely meant for you, things will naturally flow, nothing will need to be forced, you won't be the only one putting in the effort, and you sure as hell won’t need to beg someone to stay or treat you right.

Now that I’ve really worked on my relationship with myself, and trust my path; relationships ending, don’t have that much power over me. Yeah, they hurt but I know for a new chapter to begin, one has to close.

Prior to this journey, a relationship ending would break me. I would feel abandoned, undesirable, not worthy, and not enough. I questioned why I wasn’t enough and would be that crazy obsessed girl who would write massive long messages begging for them to come back or to see me… yup that was me.

Now, when it ends, I send the message to say “I wish you well and thank you for what we had” but I don’t beg for them to see my worth, ask them a million questions why I wasn’t enough or sit there hating myself for what I did or didn’t do.

And why not? Because I don’t want someone who has to be forced to be in my life, I don’t want a partner who doesn’t willingly want to make an effort to care and love me. And I sure as hell don't want someone who isn’t certain in me.

I’ve realized that relationships will come and go, they will serve a purpose no matter how long they last. Every season will bring someone to you and that person will help you grow, teach you a lesson or show you what you don’t want in a partner.

Some things I did to help get to this point included

• Deleting all dating apps, honestly just fuck them off.

• Write down what you want in a partner, and don’t list looks, materialistic things or job status. List qualities and values they hold. What's important to this person?

• Reflect on your relationship patterns, what kind of people do you attract? How do most of your relationships/flings start ect… there is a worksheet for reflection in the download section xx

• Build a relationship with yourself, and don’t go searching for love, it will find you.

• Read books surrounding love, relationships, and soulful sex... I have some recommendations in my blog post titled “Ruby’s self-love reading list”

• Being celibate these last few months has also had AN IMMENSE change to this, but this isn't for everyone

Be your own goddamn dream partner, before you find it in someone else x