How to get over an ex and heal after a breakup

Heartbreak is so much more than just losing someone you love, it's a deep physical and emotional abandonment wound that aches just like a physical wound, and can have serious effects on your mental wellbeing.

I’ve been through many breakups and all varied, while I am no expert I’ve compiled a list of things I've found extremely helpful during these times. While these things may help elevate some pain or aid in the healing process, it’s important to remember there is nothing that will just take away the pain, and these feelings are normal but shall pass.

The hardest part of a breakup for me is the loss of routine. When we have a partner we get into a routine, the good morning texts, check-ins throughout the day, phone calls, date nights or simply going to sleep next to them. The minute the relationship ends, we lose that. You no longer have the routine to text them, call them whenever or spend your time in their company.

For this what really helps me, is utilizing my support systems - especially in the early days. This can mean texting a friend, or family member when you wish to text them. It can also mean making plans with your friends or family during the times you’d be spending with them. I suggest this in the early days, because breakups - especially ones we didn’t want to happen, can leave us feeling abandoned and not good enough. Leaving us questioning ourselves, what we could have done differently, and what was it about us that wasn’t “enough” for them.

I believe making plans and creating times where you’re surrounded by loved ones helps to show you that you are still loved, worthy, and needed.

However, try and not completely depend on others, as this won’t ever give you the time to be alone and present with your emotions, as much as it sucks and hurts - this is where the healing comes from.

Another aspect of heartbreak that cuts VERY deep is the heavy emotions such as grief, sadness, resentment, anger, despair, and confusion. When I got dumped I went on an emotional rollercoaster, some days I was fine, others I hated him, the next day I loved him and wanted him back, then I’d cry randomly and uncontrollably, only for the next day to not think of him.

I think it’s important to try and be as companionate and forgiving to yourself during this. You’re going to have days of lows and highs, you might even be like me and be fine for 2 months, only to have something minor remind me of him, where I then spent the next 3 months upset again.

On your bad days up the self-care, self-compassion, comfort measures and utilize 1 of 2 things.

1. Support Systems

It’s okay to not feel okay and it’s okay to not even be able to describe how you feel. Reach out and find support and love within your circle.

2. Feel the feels

I know it’s hard and genuinely feels like a blunt dagger through the heart, that is paired with a tight restricting feeling in your throat at the sheer thought of them. I get it, but don’t suppress your emotions or act as if “you’re fine” because it’s normal to feel this way, and suppressing them doesn’t benefit you. When you feel them you heal them.

Try journalling when you feel these emotions, and just write out whatever you’re thinking. I often wrote him letters saying all the things I wanted to tell him. I never sent them to him, but it was a great way to express my feelings and vent.

When it comes to breakups, you never have to justify how you feel. The time you were with someone doesn’t equate to how much you’re allowed to hurt and grieve them. I dated someone for over a year and it took me 3 weeks to not miss them or want them back. However, I dated someone for 4 months and it took me over 6 months to get over them.

Often when two people break up, they experience all these intense emotions, don’t appropriately heal, and find other methods of coping and distraction. For example; gambling, increased sexual partners, desire to want more external validation and therefore are more promiscuous, increased alcohol intake, drug use, or violence.

These are actually going to make your situation worse long term because they won’t heal anything. It’s like procrastination, yes you can do something short term to avoid the task, but in the end, you waste so much time and still have to do the task but now, under more stress with less time.

For me, sex and external validation was the thing I turned to, to fill the void. When someone left me, especially after I was so good to them, I felt like I wasn’t good enough, not worthy of love, and undesirable. So sex and external validation off men filled that void. But it never fixed the problem.

When I became aware of what actions I was using to fill my void, I tried to find better means of feeling whole.

Here are some extra tips that have helped me:

1. Out of sight, out of mind

I remove all memories of my partner. Delete the photos, the texts, them off social media etc. Some people say “that’s so permanent” and it is. If you don’t have the strength to do that, select all the photos and add them to a ‘hidden’ folder on your iPhone. This way they won’t be in your camera roll.

But seriously, block them on social media. It’s not petty. Out of sight out of mind.

2. Do not try to make them jealous.

This has got to be the worst thing you can do. Don’t try to do things, wear things or say things to make them jealous. Chances are they won’t react the way you want them to, only making you feel like trash.

3. Don’t trash talk them.

Doesn’t matter how the relationship ended or who did what. Speaking poorly of someone you once loved and cared about isn’t going to help you heal. You can reflect on the relationship and maybe vent to a friend, but completely air drying your dirty laundry and trying to convince people they were “bad” only affects your image, not theirs.

What sally says of Suzie says more of sally than Suzie

4. Don’t text them when you miss them

I know the days where all you want to do is message them, but it won’t make you feel any better. Most likely it will result in you feeling worse. Instead, write them a letter or put it in the notes of your phone every time you want to message them. This way you’re expressing it but not contacting them.

5. Build your relationship with YOU.

Write down a list of all the things you want to do, hobbies, foods to try, cafes to visit, bush tracks to explore, or sights to see - and start taking yourself out on dates. Do things that fill you up and do it for you!! Your relationship with your self is the fundamental relationship and the foundation for all relationships that follow. Getting to know YOU will be the best healer and distraction you’ll find.

6. Have less screen time

Instagram and social media really make heartbreak worse, great at wasting your time, but seeing people in their “perfect relationships” will only make you feel less than.

7. Delve into your hobbies

I spent so much time on personal development, my blog, and life coaching course after my breakup. It was a great way to utilize my time in doing something productive.

8. Forgive yourself and let go of expectations.

Easier said than done I know, however sitting there and picking apart yourself and the relationship, will not help the wounds. It won’t erase the pain and every relationship takes two to tango. Not only that but everything happens for a reason and while it might not feel like this right now. One day you’ll look back and thank the lords that it didn’t work out how you once wished it had.

9. Give yourself time

Heartbreak doesn’t heal overnight, so don’t be harsh on yourself and put an expectation or end date to these feelings. You’re allowed to be upset and grieve.

10. And no do not fucking download a dating app

A new partner, sex, or fling isn’t the answer. Stop. Seriously I am not even explaining this one.

Remember you’re worthy, loved, important, loveable, desirable, and deserving of unconditional love, care, and respect.

If they had been the right one, it would have worked out - without the drama and constant need to tell them how to treat you.