How to feel content while being single

Ever since I got out of my very first relationship, I was on the hunt for the next. I just wanted to be loved, I wanted to feel love, give love, and experience love.

So much so I forced people into boxes they didn't belong in, in the hope they would fall madly in love with me.

I loved people more than I should have and disrespected my own boundaries hoping that if I showed up like this "ideal" I thought I needed to be, they would love me back.

When I was single between the years of 14-20 EVERY GUY I MET WAS "The one"...

he wasn't actually but I convinced myself that maybe we would be together forever.

It sounds sad to admit but I would meet a guy once or twice and we would have a good time, but then on the drive home, or the bus to uni, or having a shower... I would imagine myself dating him, getting married, having babies, showing up to his footy games...

I honestly tried to turn every fling into a relationship...

I hated being single. I felt underloved and like I wasn't worthy to be loved.

What made it worse, was that these boys I tried to force into this idea, ended up destroying my confidence even more. I would be so good to them, do everything I believe I needed to and then they would leave. I would then be left thinking "I was the best I could have been and it still wasn't enough, he still left"

The problem? Me.

I was so desperate to be loved that I ruined what it even meant to be loved.

That love was meant to flow.

So how did I change the narrative to what it is becoming now? I'm not going to say that I am perfect and that I don't want to be loved or want a relationship because I do. But now I am is different and I am going to share my tips with you.

1. Get clear on what you actually want and become that

I had an internal list in my head of the perfect guy, more was regarding his looks and what we did together, rather than how he treated me, who he was, what he stood for, how he made me and others feel, etc.

So I journaled on paper not just in my head, about all of that. How did I want to feel in a relationship? How did he make me feel? What sort of person was he? What qualities did I love about him?

This was a massive turning point because when I got clear on this, I realised I didn't fully embody this myself.

I realised I will only attract what I am, and the vibration I am radiating.

So I started becoming the best version of myself, living as my highest self, not just so I could attract a partner, but so that I was magnetic to better things, people and opportunities in general.

2. Do the things you want to do with a partner, alone.

When I would have these episodes of daydreaming about my perfect man and lifestyle, I would imagine us; going for sunrise walks, picnicking together at sunset, ocean swimming, going to painting classes, hiking, cooking together, having movie nights, self-care nights, working on our businesses and goals together ...

Instead of waiting to do and experience these things, I started doing them alone. Going to cafes and working on my business, adventuring on the weekends, sunrise walks every morning, cooking dinner - you name it, I did it alone.

3. Reflect on your past relationships, flings and situationships.

Reflecting on the past is so powerful for growth because every opportunity is embedded with signs for healing and the answers you need to better yourself.

The first thing I did was reflect on my relationships with my actual boyfriends I had, had. Did I feel loved or was it just attachment? Did they treat me how I desire? Did they hold space for me? Did they make an effort? What were the patterns of our relationship? How did I feel? How did I show up?

I realised that I was co-dependent, jealous and very attached. Attached out of fears of abandonment and loneliness, realising if I didn't have them I'd be single again. Not attachment our of love.

I then reflected on flings and situationships, and realised I once again was co-dependent and overbearing - forcing my love where it wasn't deserving of.

I also became aware of how many boys I had stuck around for even though they didn't share the same core values and morals as me.

Massive red flag

4. Take the hint

I don't want to say "stop dating", dating is fun, dating will be a great mirror for areas you need to work on, and it will show you what you do and don't want in a relationship. But please take the hint when it is time to stop fueling a dead fire.

No effort from them? dead fire

Only hanging out when it suits them? Dead fire

Becoming overly invested ed too quickly? Trauma bond and dead fire

Doesn't share similar core values? dead fire

Makes you feel insecure, jealous and questioning yourself? Trauma bond + dead fire.

5. keep the cookie in the jar.

Now, this tip won't be for everyone but I am sharing it because it has been one of the biggest and best things I have done.

No sex. Not on the 1,2,3,4, or 5th date. Not putting several dates on it but actually waiting until that person deserves and shows that they can hold such a special, intimate part of you.

I have slept with a lot of people, not hiding it, not ashamed of it. I slept with them because I wanted 1 of two things.

1. I thought if they sleep with me and keep sleeping with me, it will give me the time to have with them, they will get to know me and see how good I am and then we will be together.

2. I just wanted to feel chosen and loved.

But giving the wrong person access to you is an energy and vibrational killer if I have ever seen one. It is the mortein of the vibrational field.

Keeping the cookie in the cookie jar doesn't mean just not having sex. It's not sending sexy photos, not sleeping over too soon, not sexting, not doing everything else but sex.

Keeping the cookie in the cookie jar kills off players and fuckboys hella fast.

Because why would they stay around, taking you on dates, investing in you, getting to know you, spending time with you for months if there is no cookie? A guy just wanting some cookie will leave, and that is BLISS.

It's like taking out the trash without lifting a finger.

This btw has nothing to do with "respecting yourself" I believe you can sleep with someone on the first date and still respect yourself. But, this is about setting boundaries, being intentional and ensuring someone is deserving before having access to you.

At the end of the day, we all want to feel loved, desired, respected, seen, heard and worthy. Trust me, you will feel that one day, and you don't have to chase or force someone into loving you. You're believe it or not, worthy of love right now, completely as you are. You just need to know it and embody it.

How is someone else meant to love you fully, if you don't love yourself fully?

I hope so of these tips have helped you.

Love Ruby x