How I am walking through the aftermath of a breakup

4 months ago my relationship came to an end.

It came by surprise and there wasn’t much discussion around it, he made the choice and the chapter closed.. And that was that.

At first, I did what I always do, distract myself from the pain and internal self-critic telling me I wasn’t good enough and playing roughly 1000 ‘what if’ scenarios in my mind.

Boys, going out, emotional eating and mindlessly scrolling through Instagram were the past times and while there were days I was genuinely happy and not thinking of him, there were many I felt so down and hopeless.

I’ve recently discovered the awareness of mirroring, which is the spiritual and belief backed by psychologists which identify that everyone you meet will mirror something to you that you haven’t yet discovered in yourself, you chose to ignore or you haven’t fully owned.

For example, I am out with friends and I see a girl on the dance floor absolutely grooving and being silly with no fuck given to anyone else’s opinions, she is having fun, being silly, being creative and expressing herself, and she has now triggered something in me. At first, it feels like jealousy and spite, but what it actually is, is she is mirroring to me something inside of myself, and that is the fact I am not living freely, I might be so conscious of others opinions that I miss out on life or opportunities, or that I don’t live more in my free spirit.

And I know what you’re thinking, Ruby how does this help me deal with a breakup?

I’m getting there.

The past year my focus has been on having a mindset which looks at every opportunity for a chance to grow, heal and find a positive.

And while many things in life can be so painful and you might feel like there isn’t any positive to come from it, there is but it requires the strength to go inwards.

Now when it comes to any pain, especially heartbreak you need to give yourself 3 things: time, empathy and silence.

Time, because healing and going through the feelings of missing someone can take time. Heck, I was with him for nearly 5 months and it's been 4 months since we ended, yet I am still so caught up on him.

Empathy, because some days you will feel so good, and it might even last weeks and then one day it might just hit you. Something may remind you of your relationship and it can resurface a lot of feelings, so be kind to yourself and don’t label any feelings as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ just bring awareness to them and what they are revealing to you.

Silence, this is the biggest one for me, and please do as I say and not as I did, because I didn't give myself the silence at the beginning and maybe that has caused these feelings to last so long because I simply ignored them. Silence brings to the surface things deep within you, that you have suppressed. When we sit in the present and allow our mind to just simply be, we identify so many areas of ourselves we never knew.

Now back to the mirror, I told you I was getting there.

Since learning about mirroring, I sat down and tried to look at my relationship and identify the things within him which triggered me, not because I wanted to pull him apart, no way. I wanted to reveal the depths of MYSELF which were being mirrored to me.

For example, he called me out on my bullshit. When I am fighting with someone and I feel like I am not important to them or they don’t care I say “ well then I am going to leave”, not because I don’t want to be with them, but because I want him to chase me, tell me he loves me, show me attention and give me reassurance.

He would say “I am not giving in to this Ruby, I am not giving you the chase” and I HATED IT.

But it was mirroring to me a lot of my inner wounds and my trauma responses that I haven’t fully healed.

Another aspect of him which triggered me, if that he had boundaries and even while seeing me put a massive priority on his friends and family, and obviously that's great and no I never kicked up a fuss about him seeing his friends, but deep down I always felt jealous and why? Because he was mirroring to me that I don’t set boundaries and my attachment wounds.

As you can see, when I began to sit in silence and look at what my partner was mirroring to me, I was now able to see the areas I needed to focus on to grow and heal.

So yes heartbreak is hurting me, and everything reminds me of him, and still, I often daydream about our what-ifs and all the things we talked about together because I am still human and I am going to miss him for a while, what we had touched me soul-deep and what we had was beautiful and uncomplicated.

On my bad days here is my self-care list:

• Get off social media, I find deleting the app for a few hours helps to put a barricade between me and the device

• Journal, now I know it can be difficult at first to begin so try some journal prompts my favourite is “If _____ (enter partners name) was standing in front of me what would I want to say

• Compile a list of all the things that you can do that brings you joy, ie; baking, swimming, ocean walks, sunrise, reading, baths, painting ect, and schedule them in your day

• Cry, yep I get in my car in my tracksuit, drive to the ocean and listen to sad sad music and just cry

• Hug your family member, pet or friends, the act of hugging releases so many feel-good chemicals

• Meditate, type in “guided meditation” or “guided breathwork for anxiety” into Spotify or youtube, and then follow it in a comfortable space

• Just be, on some days where I am feeling down or out of sorts I just want to exist but not do. I clear my schedule and have a me day! Because that's completely fine too!

Podcasts I love:

• Love, sex and magic by Mel Wells

• The Awake with Jake show

• Expanded with Lacy Phillips