How a lack of self-love showed up in my life

⊗ Stop, this is a trigger warning as this post touches on the subject of sexual assault ⊗

You don’t realise, until you’ve become aware, just how much a lack of self-love and self-worth impacts your life.

When I began making conscious efforts to become aware of my thoughts regarding the way I looked, my worth, boys, decisions I made or criticism I spoke, I realised they all stemmed from the same burning pit of fire. Which was the raging lack of self-love and my inability to see my worth.

When I was in high school, I remember hating how I looked, I criticised myself every time I saw a reflection of my body, when I put on my school uniform or saw a photo of myself. Maybe on the outside I looked confident, but inside I was drowning in self-doubt.

During school, I went through something which made me feel like I was worth nothing when it came to men - or should I say “boys”. He made me feel like an object, something that required no respect, consent or appreciation. There was no love, there was no care, he took something from me, and made me feel like all I was worth, was being a sexualised object.

And from that moment on, that's how I acted. I didn’t think I was worth respect, and being treated well, being showered in positive words, or even loved for anything more than what my body could give to a man.

So my choices reflected that, I gave men what they wanted, I objectified myself and did things to get the validation I thought I deserved.

Looking back it brings me to tears how easily I gave myself to people who didn't deserve me. I wasn’t a slut, I didn’t even necessarily enjoy it. I just believed this is what I was worth, and if I wanted to feel appreciated by a man this is what I had to do. I lacked that masculine energy which provided me love and affection, and this was me trying to keep myself feeling satisfied.

When I was in a relationship, I saw a lack of self-love and self-worth come up again. I would say sorry to them for upsetting me, because I was convinced I was being ‘overdramatic’ for being genuinely upset. I would accept poor behaviour time and time again. I would forgive them continuously because I would rather be with someone who couldn’t care less, then being alone. I didn’t think I was worthy of having someone treat me with love, respect and kindness. Someone who was PROUD of me, and having someone who I didn’t have to beg to treat me right.

When I was single, I would download tinder, hinge or just go looking for attention, someone to fill the void that I felt. I didn’t even want someone - and I realise that now. I just wanted the attention, I wanted someone to make me feel like I was special or enough, because I didn’t see it in myself.

I remember when I was dating this guy, he was INCREDIBLE most in love I have ever felt. We had a big fight and he was like “i'm done” and it made me feel so empty, again I felt worthless, like I wasn’t good enough to fight for. I wasn’t good enough to try and make an effort with.

My trauma response as a result of being so under loved? I went searching for the validation the situation made me feel I lacked.

I felt like I wasn’t enough or worthy, so I went on to social media for someone else to validate me. I didn’t get what I was searching for, I just hurt someone I loved and made myself even more upset.

When I was surrounded by friends I noticed how little I liked who I was by how much the inner mean girl inside my head yelled. She would say things like “no one here even likes you they just pretend to like you” or “you're the fat ugly friend everyone feels bad for”.

My inner mean girl screamed when I was surrounded by any other female, and I saw them all as threats. I could not be happy for another female, I couldn’t compliment them or cheer them on because to me at that time, I felt that it would take away from me. I already saw myself as ‘lower’ so I didn’t want to bring them up more, because then I would feel worse. My lack of self-love and self-worth had me tearing down other females. Bitching and criticising them behind their backs, because I was so jealous.

I thought tearing them down would elevate me in some way…but it didn’t. I genuinely was just a two faced bitch who was hypocritical, because I hated when someone was mean to me.

I also saw my lack of self-love and self-worth surface regarding girl code. Yep, I was that person who would rather get attention from boys than back the girls. No, I am not proud to admit that, and it's something that to this day makes me feel SICK. I genuinely needed that much attention and validation, that I would thrive off someone wanting me who was taken. I loved it because in my twisted mind I thought “I must be better than her because he wants me over her” but that wasn’t it. It was because he was unfaithful and I was available + craved the attention regardless of how I got it.

I saw my lack of self- worth and self-love when I would rather stay quiet about how I felt than speak up because I didn’t want to “bother” people with how I felt. I hated taking up room by truly saying “how you treat me makes me feel like I am worthless”.

My lack of self love and self-worth literally dictated so many of my daily choices.

I admit all of this to you because you truly don’t understand how many things you do BECAUSE you don’t see your worth.

Now I am on this path so much for me has changed.

Am i perfect? No

Do I still go back to old ways? Yes.

Am I getting better? Yes.

I still have days where I wake up, and question my worth, where I accept less than I deserve because I am scared to be alone, or when I crave validation from someone else.

But t

he difference is, now I am so aware that I am doing it. I stop, I acknowledge it by saying

“Ruby you’re doing ______________, why do you feel that this reaction or action will lead to the feeling of _________” and I follow this reflection by affirming myself on my worth, my capability, my gifts and how beautiful I am.

Actionable tip ☾

Write down all the areas of your life you can spot where a lack of self-love or self-worth comes up for you.

Maybe it's the clothes choices, the photos you post, the need to never be alone, or shying away from speaking your truth.

Once you’ve become aware, you can truly heal